My sister and I are currently trying to talk her into participating in a study her doctor is leading. She has gone from… absolutely not, to maybe, back to absolutely not. We are hoping to catch her in a moment of weakness so we can get her to sign up!

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StephLoves's Cancer Blog

Starting down the post chemo path

I spoke to my mom yesterday and for the first time she sounded somewhat like the woman I used to know. She had gone to church for the first time in months and said she was able to do a little more without getting so tired. I am so relieved she is starting to feel better, especially b/c I am starting to feel better. I have a problem with feeling guilty when I begin to focus on my life instead of my mom’s illness.

I now know that for right now my mom, sister, and I have a before cancer life & and after cancer life, however, I am adding an after the last chemo session life too. I have struggled to pull myself out of the hole I was in and remember who I am, what I love, and what is important to me. I have struggled with the guilt of not being with her as much and not calling as often (still often just not as often) but after forcing myself to do this I feel so much better and so much more optimistic. Amazingly enough, she does too.

I am slowly beginning to take the control from worry, sadness, fear, and uncertainty. It will take time but the moments of clarity I have been having are coming closer and closer together.

I have an amazing boyfriend. As I was going through the ups and downs he rode them right along side me even though he didn’t know what the hell was going on! haha! He never walked away from me. Even during the rough patch we just had, he was caring & loving. Because of the timing of our meeting he mostly knows me as a moody, sad, emotional, clingy girl… UGH! But despite all of that, he was able to see the real me underneath it all and I think he is enjoying seeing me as I rise up from that damn cancer hole. Sweet and loving as can be. I am a lucky girl and I need to embrace this without guilt.

Posted on January 11, 2012 at 2:10:00 PM by StephLoves (Starting down the post chemo path , 1 comment, 1478 views)

Sounds like a great guy to have around. Keep taking control. I went to a cancer presentation once, and the speaker said, “Cancer is one big metaphor for loss of control.” I hope you keep getting more control, more often. And then get this behind you and your mom all healed. Hope you find the ‘guilt-free zone.’

Posted on January 15, 2012 at 1:54:17 PM by Bill Curry

Thank you so much. Ugh… I am so grateful to have such wonderful people sharing their wisdom with me. really and truly helps so much to hear your words :)

Posted on January 16, 2012 at 9:38:12 AM by StephLoves

Thank you so much. Ugh… I am so grateful to have such wonderful people sharing their wisdom with me. really and truly helps so much to hear your words :)

Posted on January 16, 2012 at 9:38:16 AM by StephLoves

Together Alone

Haven’t blogged in a while. I realized the main reason I have not written is b/c everything I want to write is about being scared, angry, and sad. I think I don’t feel worthy to talk about these feeling here b/c I am not going through the same things many of you are. I also believe that what we put out into the universe is what we will receive. With that being said, instead of complaining I will just discuss what I have been struggling with…

1. My mom is still sounding very negative and feeling so sad. Problem is she isn’t aware of her negative/sad thinking and speaking. It truly breaks my heart.

2. She is also still feeling pretty crappy physically. It has only been 3 weeks but was hoping she’d be a bit better. boo :(

3. Pretty sure I am causing problems with my boyfriend b/c I am under so much stress right now. I am either annoyed about something stupid (or are they legitimate?! I really can’t tell anymore!)or I am supper needy and just want him to hold me and tell me everything will be okay but it never seems as if he is doing enough. He is incredibly sweet and the confusion I have inside me has got to be driving him crazy. Arrrrgggg!

Overall what I need to figure out is why I constantly feel alone. Whether I am with my BF, my family, or friends I feel like I am alone and like there is a huge chunk of my heart missing. No togetherness can fill the void. I know it is something I am going to have to figure out on my own.

Do any of you know the “together alone” feeling I have inside? What do you do to soothe yourself during those moments.

Posted on January 3, 2012 at 10:31:43 AM by StephLoves (Together Alone, 2 comments, 1472 views)

Hi Steph – I don’t know what it’s like to be the caregiver in this situation, but I did just read that caregivers often experience depression and anxiety if the OC patient they are caring for is. This can make you feel more alone, and feeling alone will make you feel worse. I have found that talking to trusted people about how alone I have felt helps. Not that talking about it will make others truly understand what you’re going through, but it helps to be acknowledged. If your BF is having trouble supporting you, it could be because he doesn’t know what you need (you’ll have to tell him). It helps, too, to have various people you can turn to for support. Soothing myself when panicky includes things like baths, inspiring music, meditation, and I’ve needed a sedative as sometimes the usual relaxing things don’t work. Just don’t chastise yourself for what you’re feeling, even if it’s directed at other people. Gently seek yourself for the underlying cause and communicate what support you need. Sending a hug for you and your mother.

Posted on January 3, 2012 at 4:31:10 PM by 1 Very Palpable Hit

Thanks so much for this. I hope you know how much it means to me that you take the time to respond to me. I do feel alone A LOT. I know I should talk to my friends about it more but it seems like they are all so busy and I really don’t want to be a negative nelly all the time. Problem with that is then my poor BF takes the brunt of it. We have not been together that long either (friends for about 8 months but next level only maybe 3) so I am also struggling with his change in attitude (well I think there has been a change!) and feeling like I might end up ruining things. I am a worrier by nature and this has just put me into overdrive. blah blah blah hate you cancer!

Posted on January 4, 2012 at 12:06:32 PM by StephLoves

Dear Worrier. Your recent love relationship is going to have problems if you bring so much sadness to the man’s life. I can help you with one thing. He is not your husband, he is your lover and boyfriend. He is not going to take this stress if he knows that someone else will make him happy without all the adult responsibility. Your BF is dating you and you need to figure out how to keep some of your sadness in it’s own corner. He wants you to be happy and if you aren’t he feels he isn’t doing you any favours by placating your stress levels. If you are young which I think you might be, a young man doesn’t have the skills to handle such things. If you want to keep him you will have to rethink what you want to do when you see him. Trying to have your life separate from your Mom’s illness is very hard to do. But you must change or you will loose him. Sorry to be so direct but you need some advice, not just a chatel to hold hopes on to.